Saturday, December 22, 2001

Ezekiel 20:43

"And there shall ye remember your ways, and all your doings, wherein ye have been defiled; and ye shall lothe yourselves in your own sight for all your evils that ye have committed."
Ezekiel 20:43

God is talking to the people of Israel here, and the story basically is that God delivered them over and over and over again... and still they chose to rebel, and ignore the hand of God in their lives.  And the problem with this is that, even when God accepts them and welcomes them, they won't be able to feel comfortable with themselves enough to accept the invitation.  I mean, sincerely, if you have treated someone horribly all your life, it's going to be difficult to learn to live together.  You have to change all of your habits of thought and action, in addition to feeling horrible about all the times when you returned evil for good.  In the end, it seems, where we end up is going to depend on the level of comfort that we have with ourselves.  After this life, when the veil is lifted and we have back the memories of before this life... that part of ourselves that anticipated this world with eagerness... how will we feel about ourselves?  I remember in college... one of my very wisest teachers.  Although I despised having to go through it, she did something that was very good for me.  She made me give myself a grade in her class.  When I went in for the conference I didn't know that she was going to do that, and I had all of this evidence gathered to influence her decision... but when she made it MY decision, I knew exactly how much effort I had put into the class, and I couldn't give myself the highest grade.  ... Luckily, sins are often more impermanent than transcripts. :)
I think that is how I imagine the judgement day, really... the answer will already be there, within us.  We know how much effort we are putting into our lives.  We know where we stand with God.  God isn't going to tell us anything that will surprise us.  Any of you who have been through a temple recommend interview know that it is the last question that is the hardest. :)  You can have all the rest of them down, know exactly how to meet this or that criteria... and different questions are a struggle for each of us.  But when that last one comes... where we have to decide for ourselves whether we feel worthy to enter the house of the Lord... it gets harder.  Today, let's try to live so that we don't loathe ourselves. :)

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