"And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.
Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.
And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.
And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!
Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy."
Alma 36:17-21
This is part of the converstion of Alma the Younger. Before this, an angel comes and talks with him and tells him that even if he chooses to be destroyed, he needs to stop trying to destroy the church (verse 9). I can only guess at his previous knowledge and motivations, but it seems that Alma didn't have a full realization of what he was doing to himself before that, and so hearing it as a choice that he was making from an angel, which is hard to doubt, threw him into a guilt spiral, because he had been leading people away "unto destruction" (verse 14).
The cool thing here is that even though he was suffering intensely at the realization of his horrible actions, he was able to come out of that pain and change himself into a different, better person... and it started when he remembered to call upon Jesus Christ, who he had heard of because his father was the prophet.
I think the same thing can happen in our lives, whether we get as low and evil as Alma the Younger did or not. We all sin, we all have guilt, but we can be lifted out of our own weaknesses and pain and rightful consequences and obtain mercy as we call upon Christ. As with Alma the Younger, it takes more than a one-time conversion... we'll have to work at changing who we are, and work to get to a point where we no longer want those bad things that we wanted before. Sometimes that seems out of reach, just as Alma the Younger felt when he was steeped in despair. However, when we call upon God, we realize that his love, and hope, and grace are never out of reach. If we are sincere and we want to change, God will help us do so, and make the impossible possible for us. We can change our very natures and our minds and our hearts as we turn them to Christ and get his help in becoming who we truly want to be, rather than the person we were before who caused pain and grief to others.
Today, let's remember that all is possible with God, and let's take time to look to him and pray for help in becoming better than we currently are.
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